Transform Your Boundaries

There is tremendous power in the things we say to ourselves. Sometimes the voices we hear in our heads can beat us up, panic in the face of hard things, and tell us over and over that we are failing when in fact we are facing a challenge.
Those voices in your head need to be taught what to say and when. Create a boundary to dismiss the crazy harmful talk in your head and instead give yourself the supportive helpful messages you need when you are stressed.
This boundary is something you teach yourself. You correct  negative thoughts that make you feel terrible while you are going through something terrible.
When you are stressed, here are 4 helpful things to say to yourself:
#1-I am doing the best I can in this circumstance.
Give your hardworking self some credit. Maybe the problem isn’t solved, but you are working at it. You need to acknowledge you. Your inner spirit/soul is listening to what you say to you.
#2-It’s okay to take a break and take care of myself.
When you are stressed, you may…

What are boundaries? Your Yes and No. Inside of you, you have a compass for your yes and no. During a traumatic event, or if you experienced trauma as a child, you may have lost your connection to your compass/your boundaries/ your yes and no. Think of the compass, boundaries, your yes and no as the same thing.
Your boundaries are trying to take care of you, and if you couldn’t protect yourself during the trauma, you may have lost trust in your boundaries.
Trust is the key to listen to your yes and no. You can't listen to your inner compass if you aren't sure and don't really trust yourself.
Restoring your connection to your yes and no (your boundaries), is an important part of the healing process.
One way to restore this connection is to start noticing the little voice of resistance you hear sometimes. This little voice of resistance may say, “I don’t want to go to work today.” “I can’t cook dinner tonight.” “I wish I could leave this relationship.”
It is the little voice you …

Eight years ago, a strong group of leaders who served as my board of directors taught me a powerful lesson that I continue to use every single day in all of my online email. Though I am now running my own private company, this lesson continues to be relevant. Today I work with organizations and teams on reducing their overwhelm and developing boundaries. One of places organizations can find immediate relief is streamlining and reducing email.
Eight years ago I was using email as a way to stay connected and in touch with my board.  I was
keeping them informed, but my emails were long, covered lots of details, and meandered down rabbit holes.
My board did an intervention. They sent one very experienced leader to represent them. She said I was killing them by email. She explained my emails were like Easter egg hunts. They felt compelled to read my emails and it was hard to find the nuggets they needed buried in all the stories and hard to figure out what they needed to do or put on the…

Who else has been reading, "So You Want to Talk About Race" by Ijeoma Oluo?
Here is a great boundary lesson from her in her book on page 48.
 "Do not force people of color into discussions of race. People of color live with racism each and every day with no say over when and how it impacts their lives. It is painful and exhausting. When people of color have the rare luxury to choose to not engage in additional dialogue about race, do not deny them that. Even if this discussion is really important to you, you never have a right to demand it. There will be other opportunities." 

Her words came as powerful teaching to me at just the right time.
I had attended an event, met a total stranger who was crying in the bathroom after she revealed a very painful experience of racism in an auditorium. I asked if she wanted to talk and she did not. As I got to connect with her more later, I wanted to ask her about the experience. I thought about her for days after the eve…

Love Note to Caregivers and Caretakers....

If you haven't been sticking up for yourself, it can be daunting to figure out how to turn things around. You may feel hurt by other people, frequently. You may even be thinking this is somehow your fault. You may wonder why are people stepping all over you?
Is it time for you to get on your own team? Are you needing some boundaries? Boundaries can feel really hard to establish if you don’t practice using them. Sometimes you rob yourself and won’t allow yourself to stand up for yourself when you need to. We all know that wrenching feeling in our gut when we are not standing up for ourselves.
What are boundary violations? When you are being treated badly, with rude behavior, you notice. You are not being overly sensitive. In fact, when your feelings are mocked, or discounted that way, it is a boundary violation. Maybe you are being stepped on by someone who bullies you. Maybe you feel stepped on by someone who tells you what you “should” feel, rather than listening to how you actual…