Here is a great boundary lesson from her in her book on page 48.
"Do not force people of
color into discussions of race. People of color live with racism each
and every day with no say over when and how it impacts their lives. It
is painful and exhausting. When people of color have the rare luxury to
choose to not engage in additional dialogue about race, do not deny them
that. Even if this discussion is really important to you, you never
have a right to demand it. There will be other opportunities." Her words came as powerful teaching to me at just the right time.
I had attended an event, met a total stranger who was crying in the bathroom after she revealed a very painful experience of racism in an auditorium. I asked if she wanted to talk and she did not. As I got to connect with her more later, I wanted to ask her about the experience. I thought about her for days after the event and wanted to check in about what she experienced. I wanted to call her.
Please reread my words, I wanted.....
She did not want. She did not ask or invite me into that conversation.
I thought about Ijeoma's words from her book, and I understood, my desire to connect with her about what happened was not her desire.
She lives with racism every day. She lives with the impact and pain.
I was learning something so important about this boundary of not just going for what I wanted, what I thought mattered.
Wait. There will be other opportunities. I did not call her. I thought about the words above from Ijeoma.
The woman from the event eventually reached out to me on her own, a few weeks after the event. It was an invitation, she wanted us to get to know each other better. She didn't raise her experience that brought her to tears in the bathroom. And neither did I. Because I understood, she lives with this all the time.
As we continue to have important conversations about race, I am learning from Ijeoma Oluo about not "imposing" these conversations on people of color and being thoughtful about time, place, and interest in going into the conversation.
I highly recommend this book. it is obvious that Ijeoma Oluo has been in millions of these conversations and sheds light on patterns, and gives us some ways to move forward. Ijeoma Oluo is offering us some missing pieces and she fills in the large gaps that are essential for talking about race. The book is a guide, filled with stories and boundaries worth considering to have better conversations about race. And ultimately better relationships.
