What Is a Boundary Pusher and How to Set Limits

Who is the person you find most annoying to deal with? This person seems to exhaust you, contacting you constantly and never satisfied. The irritating requests come at all times of the day and things that were resolved are brought back up again. You might feel like this person’s personal complaint department! It just never ends!

This person is a boundary pusher. Boundary pushers can show up anywhere: your customer, your employee, your father-in-law, your friend, your spouse… Your boundaries are pushed in very small ways all the time. It may even be part of your job at work to find yourself dealing with boundary-pushers all day long.

The worst strategy you can use with a boundary-pusher is trying and trying to please him. You keep thinking if you just give him what he wants, he will go away satisfied and appreciative. Oh, how wrong you are! A boundary pusher won’t be satisfied.

A boundary-pusher is engaged in the search for satisfaction that she almost never feels.

What’s the best strategy to use with a boundary pusher? Stop letting her decide if you have done a job well. You must always set the terms of the job or contract, with expectations clearly spelled out ahead of time. Since a boundary pusher will likely not know if she is satisfied or not (because remember, she is never satisfied), it’s best if you establish your own criteria for a job well done.

In addition to establishing your own criteria for success, you need to do two other things, always:

First, recognize the boundary pushers. Is the behavior a pattern?  Do you hear them expect people to serve them or take care of problems for them? Do they expect you to handle their responsibilities? Do they seem to have one problem after another?  Do they act like you “owe it to them” to solve their problems?

Second, set limits. Manage your time, access, and availability. Do not allow drop-in visits if you are someone who schedules your appointments. Boundary pushers will often not think about time or place. So, perhaps you are at your kid’s soccer game and the boundary pusher wants to discuss his job with you. It is OK to say, “I’d love to talk about your job. Let’s set a time to meet at my office. Right now, I’m watching my child play soccer.”

If you’d like to learn more about how to use your boundaries to take care of yourself and prevent stress, overload and other symptoms, come to one of my workshops, April 18^th or May 8^th. Register online at www.TransformYourBoundaries.com 

Preventing Overwhelm On the Job

Business today requires using a wide range of skills. This may be especially true if you are an entrepreneur or business owner. Notice which skill set you are using the most – or possibly over-utilizing.  For example, I am a therapist and a skilled listener. The kind of listening that I do is very focused. I use this skillset for hours at time.

In order to prevent overwhelm, it’s crucial to rest the skill that you’re using the most. Think about your business in terms of your skill set. Are you a problem solver? Negotiator? Finder-of things? Decision-maker?

I’m very reliant on my listening skills. When I come home from work, I intentionally “rest” my listening skills. I stay off the phone as much as possible. I don’t have background music playing all the time. I rest my ears and my mind.

Have you ever had tennis elbow, or some other over-use injury? Our business skills can also be “injured” from over-use. If you are a problem-solver or decision-maker all day long, it is important to rest so you can refuel and be ready for tomorrow.

Many people don’t really think about how they are using or over-using their strengths. If you don’t rest your skills, you will very likely experience depletion and burnout. It can be challenging to unplug when in the pace of business today, the start and end of the “work day” has become blurred by our use of technology.

If you’d like to learn more about how to use your boundaries to take care of yourself and prevent stress, overload and other symptoms, come to one of my workshops. My workshops can be offered at conferences or in workplaces.  Registration link is on my website for April 18 and May 8 workshops. www.TransformYourBoundaries.com  
April and May workshops are also offered in partnership with the Mukilteo Chamber. If you are a Mukilteo Chamber, please ask me for the registration code.

How can you recover from anxiety?

A high level of anxiety means your boundaries need to be checked. You may have too many stressors. Your mind-body-spirit may be overwhelmed. You also may not be responding to the anxiety in a way that addresses the life issue.

Are you anxious about a relationship, or job, or someone in your family with a drug/alcohol problem?
Do you worry about money or health issues? Do you feel a sense of dread about something?
Do you find yourself ignoring or postponing a decision, leaving you with anxiety or worry? Do you find yourself going silent and holding back because you are afraid to speak up or there doesn’t seem to be a point in speaking up?

Your anxiety is a signal, a warning that you may need to raise your boundary or address a situation in your life in a different way.

If you aren't using your boundaries when you get a signal, your anxiety symptoms may get worse. 
Anxiety is not the only signal we get to raise our boundaries. Sleeplessness, depression, and other symptoms are also signals that we may need to manage our boundaries.

Boundaries involve more than your relationships to other people; boundaries are about how you relate to yourself.

Your boundaries are your life preserver. They help you take care of yourself at all times. We receive signals and often symptoms prompting us to use our boundaries. If you ignore the signals, they will get louder and the symptoms will become difficult to ignore.

We get very busy treating anxiety and other symptoms. We think that if we quiet the anxiety with medication, or yoga, the anxiety is gone. But the quieting is temporary, and you will find more symptoms coming up until you address the deeper issues that are stirring up the anxiety. Anxiety is often trying to help you. Learning how to listen and build a life preserver will help you recover from the troubling symptoms of anxiety.

Part of recovery and healing will be to dig down and understand how to strengthen your boundaries and use your life preserver tools.
Sometimes people think, "If I haven't been using my boundaries, it's because I don't have any boundaries."  This is not true!
Even if you haven't been using your boundaries, they are there, and you are getting signals to use them all the time. 
Learn to recognize your boundary signals and use boundary tools that are effective and guaranteed to help you feel better.

A few times a year, I offer a three-hour workshop to learn how to recognize the signals and strengthen your own boundaries.   The next workshop is on Whidbey Island from 9:00 a.m.–12:00 p.m. on Saturday, Feb. 21^st.  At the workshop, you will gain many tools to help you recover from stress and anxiety.  Registration information is here.

Joy

HEART MESSAGE #3: JOY

One of the brightest moments for me is right now. This week...the holidays, the superbowl of non profit work. My greatest job comes from acting as a facilitator for giving. I love being able to give people a way to give in a way that is meaningful to them- whether that means filling a stocking, buying a gift, or providing dinner for a family. I often feel that, as the middle man, I get the see the best parts of both parties, the giver and the receiver. I love the relief in a parents face when they find out that they are getting help , without asking, for the holidays. I also love watching my staff work together for long days, putting together gifts for families, and literally laughing all the way. We are very blessed to be in a community (global community) where people ARE good.- Marci Volmer, Area Director Boys and Girls Clubs of Snohomish County

Marci is one of the incredible beings I had in my leadership class.  This exchange between people, that Marci describes above, is the essence of leadership, it is the way we exchange something with each other. It is our attitude, our intention, the way we receive and "see" the heart of each other. May 2015 be filled with thoughtful interactions. Wishing you joy.- Sarri

Every day in many communities across the country Boys and Girls Clubs are providing a safe place for kids before and after school while their parents work. These crucial settings help with homework, snacks, fun activities, and keep many many kids safe. If you would like to learn more, click here.

Restore

I asked a couple of people to share with me some of the highlights from the places that make a big difference.  I wanted to share with you some heart-messages for the holidays.

HEART MESSAGE 2: RESTORE

One of our clients (age 4) received her first wheel chair while staying with us in the shelter. Her mother  always had to carry her until she was able to get safe and stable. Everyone in the shelter (advocates, other residence, all the other children in the shelter) stood, clapped and sang as she drove herself around in her amazing chair.  A wild party ensued and the smiles could be seen from the moon.  She was free, finally free to be a child and she was so very happy. In our new shelter we now have ADA rooms available which we did not have at the old location.  This beautiful life changing moment for this precious soul would not have happened if we had not moved into our new beautiful facility. It was indeed a bright moment. - Vicci L Hilty, Executive Director, Domestic Violence Services of Snohomish County

Restoration is the most important task people can do. Restoring your heart, or a relationship, or a community, or people who need support, restoring value, the earth, a company, or endangered animals, there are so many opportunities to make a difference. Every single day at Domestic Violence Services of Snohomish County, they restore moms and their children.

We all benefit from acts of restoration.

If you want our world to be a better a place, you must engage in acts of restoration. Much of my work with people is about restoration. Sometimes people find themselves "giving up", not thinking restoration is possible. This joy that touches the moon as Vicci describes, is what happens when we get past the barriers, past the "I can't", and find new possibility. We get our wheels under us.

As we move into 2015, prioritize all acts of restoration.- Sarri

If you would like to learn more about Domestic Violence Services of Snohomish County, please click here.

Connection

I asked a couple of people to share with me some of the highlights from the places that make a big difference.  I wanted to share with you some heart-messages for the holidays.

HEART MESSAGE 1: MAKING A CONNECTION

 He is a youth that tends to be a bit of a show off, acting like he doesn’t need anyone or anything, like nothing matters and he doesn’t care.  We were all worried about him.  I got to observe him patiently sitting on a bench trying to lure the squirrel that seems to reside in our courtyard to him.  The young man had placed some nuts on his shoe and he sat patiently, silently coaxing this squirrel to his foot.  When the squirrel finally did run up and grab a nut the smile on this kid’s face was priceless.  And then to watch him run in to share his excitement about this little event with his fellow youth and staff – well it made me feel like he was able to reconnect with the world.  Such a small thing, and such joy that it brought. - Cassie Franklin, CEO Cocoon House

Reconnecting with the world. To make a connection or reconnection, we journey outward. We don't know if someone will be there to greet us. I have been both the  squirrel and the boy at times.
It is a great practice to recognize when someone is waiting for you...to notice them. 
The kindness of your connection can offer so much.
It was a long time ago that I started Cocoon House. I can't imagine what would have happened if the Lion's club did not step forward and offer to buy a house to start the shelter for teens- way back in 1991. They mortgaged their Bingo Parlor for a total stranger.  And changed the lives of thousands of kids for 24 years! What a powerful connection. You never know what happens when you put a nut on your foot.
More recently, I had a friend from long ago reach out to me on Facebook. He started with an apology, something he wanted to deliver to me. It was the nut on his foot.
This was not an apology I was waiting for or seeking, but I realized receiving it was very important.  I accepted the nut in the loving spirit it was offered. 
We get so many chances to create connections. 

Keep putting the nut on your foot! Extraordinary things happen. - Sarri

To learn more about Cocoon House,  please click here