Connection

I asked a couple of people to share with me some of the highlights from the places that make a big difference.  I wanted to share with you some heart-messages for the holidays.

HEART MESSAGE 1: MAKING A CONNECTION

 He is a youth that tends to be a bit of a show off, acting like he doesn’t need anyone or anything, like nothing matters and he doesn’t care.  We were all worried about him.  I got to observe him patiently sitting on a bench trying to lure the squirrel that seems to reside in our courtyard to him.  The young man had placed some nuts on his shoe and he sat patiently, silently coaxing this squirrel to his foot.  When the squirrel finally did run up and grab a nut the smile on this kid’s face was priceless.  And then to watch him run in to share his excitement about this little event with his fellow youth and staff – well it made me feel like he was able to reconnect with the world.  Such a small thing, and such joy that it brought. - Cassie Franklin, CEO Cocoon House

Reconnecting with the world. To make a connection or reconnection, we journey outward. We don't know if someone will be there to greet us. I have been both the  squirrel and the boy at times.
It is a great practice to recognize when someone is waiting for you...to notice them. 
The kindness of your connection can offer so much.
It was a long time ago that I started Cocoon House. I can't imagine what would have happened if the Lion's club did not step forward and offer to buy a house to start the shelter for teens- way back in 1991. They mortgaged their Bingo Parlor for a total stranger.  And changed the lives of thousands of kids for 24 years! What a powerful connection. You never know what happens when you put a nut on your foot.
More recently, I had a friend from long ago reach out to me on Facebook. He started with an apology, something he wanted to deliver to me. It was the nut on his foot.
This was not an apology I was waiting for or seeking, but I realized receiving it was very important.  I accepted the nut in the loving spirit it was offered. 
We get so many chances to create connections. 

Keep putting the nut on your foot! Extraordinary things happen. - Sarri

To learn more about Cocoon House,  please click here


 

4 Ways to Lower Holiday Stress This Season

I think of the holiday season as "boundary season". Truly we practice our boundaries all the time, every day. If you need improve your boundaries at work and at home, join me for my next workshop Sunday Nov. 16 in Seattle. Learn ways to deal with boundary pushers, challenges, and increasing your own wellbeing- REGISTER HERE

Many people notice a higher level of stress all through the holiday season. Here are 4 skills you can practice during the holiday season to lower your stress.

Tip #1 Inclusion is less stressful than exclusion. The true meaning of the holidays are extinguished when people are made to feel unwanted and uninvited. This is a good time of year to practice kindness.

Tip #2: Focus on appreciation rather than criticism. Negative talk is toxic. Be thoughtful about what you say.

Tip #3. Leave time to not be rushed. If you have "too much to do", take responsibility to take some things off your list so you have "less to do" and more time to be. You will find this far more satisfying.

Tip #4: It is not your job to meet everyone's expectations and demands. Be brave and clarify what is ok for you and what is not.

Sharpen your boundary tool set and build boundaries where you need them at work and at home Sunday November 16 in Seattle. Register Here.

What is a boundary? drawing blog

I am teaching my Transform Your Boundaries® Workshop in Seattle on Nov. 16th. 1:30-4:30
It is great for anyone who wants a wellness boost, especially before the holiday season.
If you are a therapist, this workshop is approved for 3 CEUs.
If you work in healthcare or human services, use the code HEALTHY for a $25 discount.
Other deals:  Group of 3 for the price of 2. (deal ends Nov. 3)
Hope you can attend. Most frequent feedback- "I wish it were longer!"
REGISTRATION LINK

You Are Not What Happened to You

Today Judge Kenneth Watson reversed a 35 year sentence against a 24year old mom who had her child murdered by a violent partner. This heart-wrenching story is one of many where women who are abused are jailed because they "allowed" their child to be abused. In most of these cases, the women did no such thing. This Judge showed tremendous courage and compassion. The mom had entered guilty plea and served 2 years of her sentence, when the Judge and jury heard her testimony of the violence and the day her daughter was murdered, the Judge intervened to reverse her plea.
October is Domestic Violence Awareness month. Learn more, do more. #TransformYourBoundaries

The Truth about Pain Meds

The Truth about Pain Meds

When you have a serious health condition, you will find yourself overwhelmed by decisions. Boundaries are made of yeses and noes and it is hard to know if one medical option is a yes or no for you, if you don’t have enough information.

I want you to be the best medical advocate for yourself and your family when it comes to pain medication.

 In my book, Maggie is married to someone who has lost much of the quality of his life to pain medication. Though all the characters in my book are invented, the truth is that I have some experience seeing the devastating impact of chronic use of pain medication. I’m a therapist. I am not a doctor and I don’t prescribe pain medication. I have a limited point of view, from 28 years experience working with people as a therapist. I have extensive experience helping people recover from depression. I’ve worked collaboratively with medical professionals and people with chronic health issues.

Very few people seem to be aware that long-term use of pain medication causes depression. For people who were struggling with depression before ever being prescribed pain meds, their depression will become much worse and much harder to recover from.

If you are severely depressed and taking pain medication, you can’t recover from depression while taking pain medication. We have to get you off the pain meds first.

Any time you are prescribed anything, it is a good idea to find out if there is any link to depression from the medication.

When you have chronic health issues, serious life style adjustments must be made. It can be very hard for people to wrap their lives around the healthcare that they need. Psychotherapists can help people adjust to the changes and work with the grief that can come from the many adjustments needed.

When pain meds are prescribed, other therapies should always be prescribed. Some examples may include: physical therapy, acupuncture, meditation classes, chiropractor, and massage. If your doctor has not prescribed these things, you must ask for them.

I have also seen doctors prescribe massage or physical therapy, and people refuse to follow through, or they go for awhile and stop. If you have chronic pain, you may need the support and guidance of physical therapy to move what you can move.

Do not believe everything you read online about pain medication. I have been reading things online from very popular websites and I am shocked about what is not being said about the dangers of the medications and the relationship to depression.

I also do not see mention or warnings about suicide risks. Yes, people can become suicidal while on pain medication. While they are taking the medication as prescribed, and they are not feeling the physical pain, some people have become so depressed they have killed themselves.

Ask your doctor for the safest way to use the medication prescribed. 

Be open to alternatives and things that help bring peace of mind such as yoga, Qigong or meditation. Look into somatic therapy, hydro- therapy, and find people to work with that help you feel comfortable and safe.

Work with a therapist for extra support and to help monitor your emotional wellbeing.  

 Anyone taking pain medication for extended time needs support finding as much wellbeing as possible, one day at a time. There may be medications, or alternatives to pain medications that are helpful to you. Ask about what else you can try to see if it is effective enough for you.

In the face of chronic health issues, sometimes people feel defeated. It may not feel possible to follow through on the supportive therapies and classes that can help. A great amount of encouragement and assistance may be needed to get someone to take steps beyond pain medication. This can be a challenge for the entire family. It may help to have the whole family learn ways to encourage and support the person to make the lifestyle adjustments that must be made. Some people find relief in art and music, and spiritual development.

I have seen the greatest outcomes for people who have become "seekers" and been willing try anything. 

How do you say no to people who get angry?

How do you say no to people who get angry at you for saying no? This is a question I received in writing. Every now and then, I will post one of the great questions I receive by email or in workshops. 

                                                  Tom Petty 

Saying No when you need to is an essential life skill, leadership skill, and wellness skill.

When other people get angry about your boundary, it means they can see your boundary.  Stand up and take a bow.  You have been heard! It does not mean you should change your boundary for them. But very often, people do.

It’s normal for other people to try to push and manipulate your boundary.  Expect it.  It’s helpful to think ahead about how the people in your life might try to manipulate your boundary.  If you were going on a trip to somewhere warm and sunny, you would pack your bag for the weather you expect.  You may pack sun lotion, a bathing suit, sandals, a hat, etc.  It is useful to “pack” for your boundary as well.  Think about what “might” happen.  Expect to be pushed.

Say “no” and remember the anger is not yours.  If I can anticipate it, I may say, “I’m sorry if this is disappointing, but I have decided this is No for me.” I have written a little song that I sing to myself about being sorry if I disappoint. Whenever I have a No that is hard for me say, I sing this song to myself. It helps me.

Of course if you are not a songwriter, you could sing Tom Petty's song I Won't Back Down: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nvlTJrNJ5lA

Sometimes people use anger because they want you to change your No to a Yes. If they are trying to use anger to change your No, remember, they are not in control of your Yes and No decisions. You are.

You are not causing the anger. You are not in control of their feelings.

If someone wants to be angry, he can go take care of the anger away from you. You could say, “I can see that you are upset. My No is not changing on this topic, but I’m going to give you some space to take care of your feelings.” Do not try to manage their feelings about your boundaries. You are allowed to have boundaries. You decide where they are.

Your job is to take care of your own emotions.

Sometimes we want to make everything OK for everyone. Self-soothing – managing our own feelings – is an important life-skill. 

Sometimes an angry person is not willing to use other solutions. She wants you to do something, and you have said No. You may suggest there are other options to consider.

Anger is often made of other emotions, such as sadness or fear or a combination. It helps to acknowledge someone’s feelings, but please do not try to change their feelings, just as other people do not change your boundaries.