Boundaries and Messy Situations




The more you practice your boundary skills and grow your abilities, the better you will be at handling messy situations. I find myself able to deal with many situations because I am always on the look out for the potential mess. I notice a mess is starting right at the inception. With practice and paying attention, you can notice the sparks of these situations too.

Messy situations require the ability to anticipate and a willingness to address the boundaries.
Anticipating gets stronger as you notice the boundary abilities of people around you. If you practice paying attention, you can recognize a boundary crossing or violation as it is happening.
 
Boundary violations will break trust.

Broken trust, violating trust, is at the heart of every messy situation. Leaders who leave this unchecked or contribute to violating trust themselves, will find themselves in a situation that escalates. How many examples do you need? I bet you can think of a million examples.

Where does drama come from? When trust is being violated, it has a ripple effect across an organization, a team, a group of friends, a family. It starts to become a constant drama at work or at home. You either become part of the culture and break trust yourself, or you need to figure out how to navigate around the messy situation.

Two things can make a big difference. Restore boundaries around you by making your boundaries clear. Focus on the feelings in conversations, not judgment or talking about other people. Why is everyone taking it so personally? What feelings are stirred up for each person? You can only resolve messy situations when you understand the feelings and restore boundaries. Sign up for your free weekly boundary tips to help you remember to pay attention to your boundaries.

I am making it sound simple. It's not easy. Actually restoring your boundaries is difficult. If you find yourself dealing with messy situations at home or at work, you can learn more about how to restore your boundaries in the book, Transform Your Boundaries.

Are you Adopting a Rescue-Dog?




There are some boundaries you may want to carefully consider before you adopt.
We adopted CocoRoo two weeks ago. I had never adopted a dog, all of my dogs were raised from pups, including my Chihuahua that I have now- Romeo.
I adopted an older dog because Romeo doesn’t really like active young dogs. He likes older sickly dogs. So I knew he’d like CocoRoo.

She being a rescue was not the raised the way I raised Romeo.
You can watch an older dog and see what they are familiar with and what they have been exposed to.
CocoRoo doesn’t sniff anything on our walks and jumps at every sound.
I found giving her short run helps her settle down for walking.
She is learning about walks outside in new places, not barking at everyone and every dog.

She has not been reliably fed. She was brought to the shelter emaciated and very sick. So we feed her on a schedule that she can count on. She is learning not to dive into Romeo’s bowl when he is eating. She was used to some kind of “group” feed where she and other dogs ate out of one bowl. Very confusing to have her own bowl. Romeo has been very gentle and tolerant of her and now she waits for him to finish eating and still runs to his bowl to see if anything is left.

She will have some healthcare expenses. All dogs need some basic vet care, Romeo has been a very inexpensive pet due to his good breeding, good nutrition, luck, and overall good care. He is 14 and our expenses were the cost of neutering and one surgery for a blockage from something he swallowed.
CocoRoo needed a $75 antibiotic on her first vet visit, and needs some deep dental cleaning. And I anticipate there will be other things because she has not had the nutrition or care that Romeo has had.  I adopted her knowing there would be some expenses for her health and I was willing to adopt an older dog and give her the care she will need.

She is also a total snuggler with me. Over the years Romeo has drifted away from wanting to snuggle with me and has been very attached to my husband. He sleeps curled against my husband too. I wanted a dog that could snuggle with me. Warning,  This is a very BIG expectation to put on a rescue dog. Really, the snuggling and cuddling of  safe trusting connection isn't fair to expect from a new dog from a shelter. I was prepared that she might not be a snuggler.
But it turns out- she is – so we have lots of cuddle time.

If you have never adopted a dog before, and you are thinking of bringing one home this holiday,
keep in mind;
The holidays can be a hard time to give a pet the attention they need so be sure you have the time to attend to your dog.
Be sure you are willing to learn what the dog knows and doesn’t know. CocoRoo doesn't play with any dog toys. She doesn't chase balls. She is learning to play. Romeo has a house full of toys to share with her.
 Check your expectations- are you expecting housebroken? No accidents, no anxiety, no behavior issues? If those are your expectations, please don’t adopt a dog. These dogs need patient gentle training. They have lots to learn in a new family.
They often are very unsure what kind of care or protection they can count on from you as they may have been fending for themselves.
Teach children and adults not to invade the space of the dog. The dog needs to count on you to help it feel safe. This takes lots of vigilance in the beginning to be sure the dog is not getting overwhelmed. It takes time to get to know all the people in a family and neighborhood.

I am learning a lot from CocoRoo and hoping to see her spend her later years being loved and appreciated and accepted, just as she is. I feel grateful to have the time in my life for her. I noticed many people adopting older dogs, and really understanding the care and time needed. Be realistic about how your family is with managing boundaries around a new family pet and how much time you can spend providing the boundaries and nurturing.





We Can Stop Using Boundaries to Protect Racism



On Saturday: Before any news from Charlottesville, VA broke, I was out running on Maxwelton Road on Whidbey Island. The opposite end of the country. About halfway into my run, a young woman came running towards me waving her arms to stop me. She looked to be about my daughters age, late 20’s maybe 30. I pulled out my ear phones and stopped to listen. She was dressed in running gear and had come from the place I was heading. 
She said, “Don’t go up the road, there is a guy up ahead that feels dangerous!”
I could sense her fear. I asked her if anything happened to her, she said no. 
I asked if she lived here. We get many tourists especially on Saturdays. I wondered if some of our local people could look a bit peculiar, maybe scary if you don’t know them.
She said she lived here.
I told her not to be afraid, that I would turn around and run her back to town.
“I will be right behind you, I have your back”
This is what we are struggling to build in America. 
We need to have each other's backs.

And we keep running into boundaries.
Boundaries that protect racism.

The racist neo-nazi, white supremacist, alt-right, is not a “fringe” small group of people.
 I am concerned about those words. We need to stop minimizing them and mislabeling them.
If you think of them as fringe and small, it may give you comfort. But that is not the truth.
This group has been part of America going back hundreds of years and they have built every system from education to governance to policing.

They are everywhere and if we are going to put an end to this we need to take them seriously, see them as dangerous, and stop giving them power.

On Tuesday night: Baltimore, the city and it’s police department rounded up the confederate  monuments in their city and took them down. This is the bold beginning we need.
Over the days and weeks years and decades ahead, you will have opportunities to stop protecting racism.
We will need new laws.
We will need to dismantle the prison system that was built to incarcerate Black people.
We will need to make reparations to Native Americans and Black Americans.
We will need to root out racists that are in our systems of policing, education, governance, and leadership. 

 And we will need new history books for all of our schools. A history that is truthful and inclusive and stops perpetuating lies. 

We need to stop protecting racism with lies.

Their biggest weapon is the lying.
Labeling liberals as alt-left, is the same way every group is attacked. It is the lies of Hitler about Jews, it is the lies about Native Americans, it is the lies about people who are Black, Hindu, Muslim, Asian, Gay, Trans, Liberal, Refugee, Homeless.  There are lies about all of us.

You and I will be on the frontlines to defeat racism for the rest of our lives. Every line is the frontline.

They want to keep us divided. Don't protect racism by staying divided. 
Some people of color have been writing and speaking up furious and outraged that white people are coming in so late. Hear that!
The racists have kept power because of white silence, white privilege, and white complicity. The racists will continue to use this. 

 They will use all they can in the days ahead. And they will use more than lies. They came to Charlottesville with guns.

We need to do the work of dismantling every vestige of power.  Be diligent in asking yourself
Is my money supporting racism?
Is my vote supporting racism?
Are my words and deeds racist?
Is my silence allowing this to continue?
How can I work against racism? 

May we all be brave in the days ahead. May we all have the courage to stand on the frontline. And may we find the strength to do it together.



When She Said No, Her family Stopped Talking To Her




When she set boundaries with her family members, they cut her off emotionally. She’s happier and healthier now but feels guilty about it. What to do?

Emotionally cutting people off, not speaking, pretending you are dead, is part of some cultures and families. When you set a boundary, or say No to an elder, or break a rule or expectation, you may find yourself cut off from your family.

It is not emotionally safe for you to say No.
When you are in a family or culture that is not emotionally safe there is punishment when you say No.  One of the harshest punishments is being cut off and your family stops talking to you. It is a punishment. It can make you feel very young and powerless. And in every sense you are powerless.
In some cultures and families, this punishment will pass. They may not like that you said No to something or refuse to follow a rule or expectation, but they will accept your decision. Not all families will accept your position. Instead, they will cling to their power to hurt you in this way. They may feel they are doing what is "righteous" according to their belief.

I experienced this with my grandfather. As an adult, when I said No to my grandfather, he stopped talking to me for 20 years. We had been very close, he raised me, so his decision to cut off all communication was painful. But I was powerless over his choice. The 20 years passed. I felt the loss and grief. Many things happened in our lives during those 20 years and when he got to the very end of his life, he let me know how much he regretted the decision. He no longer felt "right", he felt very wrong.
When someone cuts you off, they leave a wound about what love is, about how much you were ever cared for or really loved. It is hard to chase after their approval and love when they hurt you in such a devastating way. It is hard to trust someone who is willing to cut you off. You may wonder what you are chasing after. 
When you say No, my guess is you are giving deep thought to this realizing it is not something you can say Yes to. These are often not small things, but big things about the course and direction of your life. This is not about attending a barbecue. You are being true to you, your beliefs, and trying to be authentic to those around you. Your intention is not to be cut off, but to be real. I hope you are able to find relationships with others who are willing to accept you as you are. 


Are You A Leader, Now ?



 Post Election, and on Veterans Day, I am finding solace thinking about leadership. I taught leadership development for 7 years. Here is some truth about leadership:

Leadership begins when you are asked to take responsibility for what you say and what you do. This process begins when you are a child. 
Many of you will have memories of those lessons.

Leadership is how you treat other people, not because someone is watching or a TV crew is following you.

 It is how you behave because you have become an adult who thinks deeply about your actions, your purpose, and your impact on other people.

Leadership is something you do every single day.
Not only on days when you are given a prize, or elected, or promoted.
You can’t be given the status.

 Leadership is not something you just “start” doing.
. 
It is a part of your soul that you have grown, nurtured, developed.
 Leadership is made of your values and purpose you have held onto when faced with tough choices and difficulties.
 Leadership is a process of becoming.

Leaders will fail, we may not achieve what we set out to do, but we tried our damn hardest.
We make mistakes and we apologize when we do.
We do things that humble and embarrass us in front of other people because we are human.
It is not the achievements or failures that count.

All leaders have a purpose.
That purpose is etched in your soul.
You earn and work and strive towards that purpose over your lifetime.

It is your purpose that counts.

Are you a leader?
What is your purpose?

Are You A Leader ?



 Post Election, and on Veterans Day, I am finding solace thinking about leadership. I taught leadership development for 7 years. Here is some truth about leadership:

Leadership begins when you are asked to take responsibility for what you say and what you do. This process begins when you are a child. 
Many of you will have memories of those lessons.

Leadership is how you treat other people, not because someone is watching or a TV crew is following you.

 It is how you behave because you have become an adult who thinks deeply about your actions, your purpose, and your impact on other people.

Leadership is something you do every single day.
Not only on days when you are given a prize, or elected, or promoted.
You can’t be given the status.

 Leadership is not something you just “start” doing.
. 
It is a part of your soul that you have grown, nurtured, developed.
 Leadership is made of your values and purpose you have held onto when faced with tough choices and difficulties.
 Leadership is a process of becoming.

Leaders will fail, we may not achieve what we set out to do, but we tried our damn hardest.
We make mistakes and we apologize when we do.
We do things that humble and embarrass us in front of other people because we are human.
It is not the achievements or failures that count.

All leaders have a purpose.
That purpose is etched in your soul.
You earn and work and strive towards that purpose over your lifetime.

It is your purpose that counts.

Are you a leader?
What is your purpose?