What are boundaries? Your Yes and No. Inside of you, you have a compass for your yes and no.
During a traumatic event, or if you experienced trauma as a child, you may have lost your connection to your compass/your boundaries/ your yes and no. Think of the compass, boundaries, your yes and no as the same thing.
Your boundaries are trying to take care of you, and if you couldn’t protect yourself during the trauma, you may have lost trust in your boundaries.
Trust is the key to listen to your yes and no. You can't listen to your inner compass if you aren't sure and don't really trust yourself.
Restoring your connection to your yes and no (your boundaries), is an important part of the healing process.
One way to restore this connection is to start noticing the little voice of resistance you hear sometimes. This little voice of resistance may say, “I don’t want to go to work today.” “I can’t cook dinner tonight.” “I wish I could leave this relationship.”
It is the little voice you may be pushing away to just keep going. This little voice may be trying to help you.
If you were traumatized, you may experience your boundaries as extremely rigid. You may find comfort in sticking to the same thing every day. The routine helps you feel more in control of your life. And it may be stressful for you to have your routine interrupted.
You may also experience your boundaries as floppy or weak. You may be unable to say yes or no for yourself, letting others decide on everything. When your boundaries are floppy or not there, you find yourself trying to please people and having no real sense of what you really want to do. You may feel like nothing is really exciting or interesting to you because you aren’t really discovering you, you are pleasing others and discovering “them”.
Healing your boundaries, if they are too rigid or too floppy, is an important part of recovery.
How do you do this? Please take all the time you need. This is not something you do all at once. Go slowly.
Step 1 Ask yourself this one question again and again.
Is there something new I would like to try?
Allow yourself to try new things. Start with small even tiny new things, and keep challenging yourself to do something you haven’t done before. Take this in baby steps. Try one new thing at a time as you are able.
Step 2: Practice saying yes to you.
Listen to those wild ideas you hear inside and follow up.
Maybe you want to have a sick day from work, go ahead, take a sick day. Maybe you want to take a flute class. Whatever little callings you hear, instead of dismissing these wild ideas, practice saying yes to you. Practice saying yes to you.
It's not easy to say yes to you, you may feel like your callings are impractical. You may think you don’t have enough money or time. To heal, you need to be creative and find a way. I have seen people listen to their inner callings and make incredible discoveries about themselves.
There is nothing crazy or broken inside of you. But there are parts of you that need your attention and support.
If you found this blog helpful and would like to learn more on this topic, I have an online class that has much much more. Join me for the online class Trauma, Self-Care, and Boundaries.