Have you ever been told these things:
You are too sensitive.
You are crazy.
That never happened.
This was your fault.
If you try to talk about how any of this makes you feel, you are told, “You are being dramatic.”
In other words, you are blamed for being upset or bothered by anything.
Gaslighting is something people often learn in childhood to protect themselves from blame. Taking responsibility for ourselves is essential to making any relationship work. When people use gaslighting, communication fails. You are not heard. You are blamed.
Gaslighting is isolating. You often end up alone in your relationship.
Gaslighting is a form of emotional abuse. It is not a single experience. Gaslighting is a strategy that someone relies on and uses over and over. It is a pattern. Lying is big indicator of gaslighting. There is constant lying about big things and about really small insignificant things. The lies make it impossible to believe anything you are told. Marriage is a relationship of trust. Trust is the whole contract. So when there is a pattern of continuous lying it is a big red flag and a set up for relationship failure.
You may wonder what the purpose of all the lying is - it keeps you off balance. You never really know what the gaslighter is up to. Everything is concealed from you.
Blame: Gaslighters do not take responsibility for their behavior. Everything is twisted to somehow be someone’s fault. And laying blame on someone is very important to gaslighters. They go to great length to explain how things going wrong is someone else’s fault. In a marriage, you may find yourself blamed for things that you had no part in.
Gaslighters are really afraid of being blamed. They can’t tolerate mistakes. If there is a way to blame someone they seize it and use it as an excuse to attack and rage. Gaslighters are big rage-aholics.
Sensitive: It does no good to talk about your feelings with a gaslighter. They don’t have empathy for your feelings. In fact, they make fun of your softness and emotions and call you “crazy” for having feelings. When you discuss how you are feeling, you are cut off with, “You are being too sensitive.” “You don’t know how to take a joke.” Gaslighters think humiliating you is funny and if you are bothered by being humiliated and put down, you are “overreacting”.
You remember things wrong. Because lying and blaming are used so frequently, another common experience is being told you remember things wrong. Gaslighters would rather fight with you than follow through with agreements and promises they made. Gaslighters do not keep their promises.
If you were in a relationship with someone who used these strategies, there is often emotional trauma to heal from the wounds of being lied to, blamed, told you were crazy and too sensitive.
It also may leave you afraid to enter another relationship for fear of being emotionally abused again.
Once you understand the tactics of gaslighting, you will be less likely to settle into a relationship with someone holding up these red flags.
If you are interested in learning more about this, I highly recommend reading Gaslighting: Recognize Manipulative and Emotionally Abusive People by Stephanie Moulton Sarkis.
