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Showing posts from 2015

How to have a Happier Holiday

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The holidays can be an overwhelming tide of emotions, expectations, and tasks. Boundaries are a great way to keep everything in check.
#1: Put all of your boundary focus on you.What? Not on your crazy relatives, or the date someone brings to dinner, just you.You can only control you.
Your boundaries are not some miracle wand you can wave to get everyone else to do what you want this holiday season. That is not what boundaries are about. Use your boundaries to free your mind of, “Things you can’t control”.
Boundaries are about how you will take care of you, your own emotions, and your own expectations.
#2: Use an OPTION or ALTERNATIVE when necessary. If there is a family that indulges in things you don’t like, such as too many gifts, too much drinking, too much eating; it is okay to take steps to take care of you. You can excuse yourself from participating. You can join in later or earlier, you can skip anything that is unhealthy or dangerous for you. In fact, please skip things tha…

Meet The Book Midwife

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 Deborah Nedelman, Ph.D, is my book midwife.  I shape my books with her by my side because she has both the clinical understanding and the diving skills required for writing. She writes, offers writing workshops, and works with individual clients as a manuscript coach and an editor. One of her workshops is called Writing To Heal. My book, Transform Your Boundaries, has a journal component, to encourage you to write and dive into your experience.
“There is a large body of psychological and medical literature that supports the idea that writing about difficult life events can enhance the healing process, both emotionally and physically.” Deborah Nedelman

1.You were a therapist and a psychotherapy professor. When and why did you decide to become a writing coach?
As you know, Sarri, I worked as a clinical psychologist in private practice for 35 years. In 2005, I wrote a self-help book with a colleague. In that process, I realized that writing was what got my juices flowing. After that book

"Where does self-awareness come from?"

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This was a question I was asked in a boundary workshop.  Self-awareness is a big part of boundary awareness, so this question is a significant question.

When I was asked the self-awareness question, my first response was, “Where do you think it comes from?” Not in an obnoxious way, but I was genuinely curious. I wanted to understand more about his question.

He said, “I think it comes from those personality assessments like Myers Briggs, right? Should I take more assessments to be more self-aware?”

What an important question!

First, I’d like to distinguish between profile-personality assessments and self-awareness.

I have learned some useful things about myself from profile assessments. One valuable lesson I learned from these profiles is how, ‘a strength can become unbalanced’. On the Leadership 2.0 Assessment, I am a “maximizer”. A maximizer takes things from good to great, optimizes and pushes groups to excel. That all sounds like a strength, however if I am too driven in my m…

The World Happiness Report 2015 and You

Oh yes, there is A World Happiness Report 2015 and it was first issued in 2012 in support of a United Nations Summit on Happiness and Well-being. The 2015 report is focused on how nations are starting to use well-being and happiness as a way to guide public policy and development.

The happiness data is being used to improve sustainable development, improve mental health for children, and create community-level supports for happiness. 
It is exciting to see there is an interest in happiness and well-being. The World Happiness Report reviews life reports about stress, depression, pain, sadness, ability to sleep at night, feeling safe, trust within a community. 
As you can guess, we all can improve in happiness and well- being. 
Start by answering 4 questions thinking about your home, your work, and your community.
1-What could you do to increase your happiness? 2-What could you do to lower your stress? 3-What could you do to contribute to the happiness of others?
4- How can your leaders…

What Is a Boundary Pusher and How to Set Limits

Who is the person you find most annoying to deal with? This person seems to exhaust you, contacting you constantly and never satisfied. The irritating requests come at all times of the day and things that were resolved are brought back up again. You might feel like this person’s personal complaint department! It just never ends!
This person is a boundary pusher. Boundary pushers can show up anywhere: your customer, your employee, your father-in-law, your friend, your spouse… Your boundaries are pushed in very small ways all the time. It may even be part of your job at work to find yourself dealing with boundary-pushers all day long.
The worst strategy you can use with a boundary-pusher is trying and trying to please him. You keep thinking if you just give him what he wants, he will go away satisfied and appreciative. Oh, how wrong you are! A boundary pusher won’t be satisfied.
A boundary-pusher is engaged in the search for satisfaction that she almost never feels. What’s the best strategy…

Preventing Overwhelm On the Job

Business today requires using a wide range of skills. This may be especially true if you are an entrepreneur or business owner. Notice which skill set you are using the most – or possibly over-utilizing.For example, I am a therapist and a skilled listener. The kind of listening that I do is very focused. I use this skillset for hours at time.
In order to prevent overwhelm, it’s crucial to rest the skill that you’re using the most. Think about your business in terms of your skill set. Are you a problem solver? Negotiator? Finder-of things? Decision-maker?
I’m very reliant on my listening skills. When I come home from work, I intentionally “rest” my listening skills. I stay off the phone as much as possible. I don’t have background music playing all the time. I rest my ears and my mind.
Have you ever had tennis elbow, or some other over-use injury? Our business skills can also be “injured” from over-use. If you are a problem-solver or decision-maker all day long, it is important to rest …

How can you recover from anxiety?

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A high level of anxiety means your boundaries need to be checked. You may have too many stressors. Your mind-body-spirit may be overwhelmed. You also may not be responding to the anxiety in a way that addresses the life issue.

Are you anxious about a relationship, or job, or someone in your family with a drug/alcohol problem?
Do you worry about money or health issues? Do you feel a sense of dread about something?
Do you find yourself ignoring or postponing a decision, leaving you with anxiety or worry? Do you find yourself going silent and holding back because you are afraid to speak up or there doesn’t seem to be a point in speaking up?

Your anxiety is a signal, a warning that you may need to raise your boundary or address a situation in your life in a different way.

If you aren't using your boundaries when you get a signal, your anxiety symptoms may get worse. 
Anxiety is not the only signal we get to raise our boundaries. Sleeplessness, depression, and other symptoms are also signa…